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Although there are many ingredients to successful coaching, the
most important one by far is listening. It's the essential cornerstone of
every coaching relationship. How do you get to know someone? By listening.
How do you build trust? By listening. How do you help people think through
their goals, their options, their feelings? By listening. People want to
know they are being heard. How many times have you heard yourself or
others ask: "Do you know what I mean?" Real listening is rare.
One of the problems with listening is that
it's often mistaken for doing nothing. Most of us have been trained to
believe that if someone is interested and engaged in the conversation,
they'll be talking a lot. Not talking is viewed as passive -- a sign of
disinterest. Yet listening and not talking are two very different things
-- and that distinction makes all the difference in the world to the
person doing the talking.
Listening is anything but passive. It is
active and powerful, a significant tool that God has given us to use in
the lives of others -- for listening is the ultimate other-centered
activity. A good listener focuses completely on the other person, giving
them undivided attention. By listening well to others, you will help them
listen to God.
Focused listening is a phenomenal gift.
Imagine the feeling of having someone really listen to you for half an
hour -- someone who would focus completely on what you are saying, not
trying to get their own words in, shifting the focus to themselves or
trying to get you to see it from their perspective.
A pastor named Dan attended a seminar on
communication skills. After the lecture, all the participants were divided
into groups of three. One person was to share and the other two were to
listen. Dan began sharing about some problems he was experiencing in his
ministry. He received half an hour of undivided time and attention. No one
interrupted him. No one gave him unsolicited advice about how to fix the
problem. They just listened, nodding their heads with understanding. At
the end of that half hour, Dan was almost in tears with gratitude. He
couldn't remember the last time anyone had really listened to him for more
than a few minutes.
Unfortunately, listening skills do not come
naturally. They need to be learned, and we all have room for improvement.
The following list can serve as a guide as you work to sharpen your
listening skills. As you review it, consider to what degree you already
practice some of these skills. Which are areas of strength? Which are
areas that need improvement? Try an experiment this week: Choose one or
more real life conversations and -- without telling the other person what
you are doing -- begin practicing the listening skills below. You'll be
surprised at the results.
1. Focus: Give undivided attention to
the person who is talking, without allowing your mind to drift off toward
what you'd like to say next or to concerns in your own life.
2. Summarize: Summarizing is
mirroring back what people are saying. At appropriate stopping points,
reflect back what you hear the person saying, without interpreting,
evaluating, or projecting feelings onto the person's statements.
3. Invite: When a person talks a bit
about a topic then stops, ask for more. Often people will introduce an
issue, then stop discussing it prematurely because they are uncertain of
the interest level of their audience. We often edit ourselves as we speak
because we're used to short attention spans in our listeners.
5. Unpack: Exhaust the speaker's
resources before sharing anything yourself. Train yourself to think of
their ideas as more valuable than your own. For them, they will be.
6. Clarify: Sometimes we are quick to
think we understand someone, but we aren't really on the same page after
all. Check your assumptions by asking, "Here's what I'm hearing you say so
far... Is that accurate?" You'll be surprised how often a helpful
correction is made. A good coach doesn't have to say much to be effective. Never
underestimate the power of real listening.
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The above
excerpt was taken from Coaching 101 by Robert E. Logan and
Sherilyn Carlton. Coaching 101 takes readers step by step
through the coaching process in a way that makes it readily
applicable to real life ministry situations. Coaching 101 is
available in English from
ChurchSmart Resources and in German from CoachNet DACH. Spanish
version coming soon!
Copyright 2003: Robert E. Logan and Sherilyn Carlton, ChurchSmart
Publishers, used by permission.
[Another chapter will follow
in eNCDine December 2004 ] |
Robert E. Logan is the executive director of CoachNet International
Ministries and provides training, consulting, coaching and resources to
over 40 denominations.
Sherilyn Carlton is an experienced life and leadership coach
("Destination Coaching"). Both authors are based in the USA. |
