Bob Logan / Sherilyn Carlton

The Rare Power of Listening

Although there are many ingredients to successful coaching, the most important one by far is listening. It's the essential cornerstone of every coaching relationship. How do you get to know someone? By listening. How do you build trust? By listening. How do you help people think through their goals, their options, their feelings? By listening. People want to know they are being heard. How many times have you heard yourself or others ask: "Do you know what I mean?" Real listening is rare.

One of the problems with listening is that it's often mistaken for doing nothing. Most of us have been trained to believe that if someone is interested and engaged in the conversation, they'll be talking a lot. Not talking is viewed as passive -- a sign of disinterest. Yet listening and not talking are two very different things -- and that distinction makes all the difference in the world to the person doing the talking.

Listening is anything but passive. It is active and powerful, a significant tool that God has given us to use in the lives of others -- for listening is the ultimate other-centered activity. A good listener focuses completely on the other person, giving them undivided attention. By listening well to others, you will help them listen to God.

Focused listening is a phenomenal gift. Imagine the feeling of having someone really listen to you for half an hour -- someone who would focus completely on what you are saying, not trying to get their own words in, shifting the focus to themselves or trying to get you to see it from their perspective.

A pastor named Dan attended a seminar on communication skills. After the lecture, all the participants were divided into groups of three. One person was to share and the other two were to listen. Dan began sharing about some problems he was experiencing in his ministry. He received half an hour of undivided time and attention. No one interrupted him. No one gave him unsolicited advice about how to fix the problem. They just listened, nodding their heads with understanding. At the end of that half hour, Dan was almost in tears with gratitude. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had really listened to him for more than a few minutes.

Unfortunately, listening skills do not come naturally. They need to be learned, and we all have room for improvement. The following list can serve as a guide as you work to sharpen your listening skills. As you review it, consider to what degree you already practice some of these skills. Which are areas of strength? Which are areas that need improvement? Try an experiment this week: Choose one or more real life conversations and -- without telling the other person what you are doing -- begin practicing the listening skills below. You'll be surprised at the results.

1. Focus: Give undivided attention to the person who is talking, without allowing your mind to drift off toward what you'd like to say next or to concerns in your own life.

2. Summarize: Summarizing is mirroring back what people are saying. At appropriate stopping points, reflect back what you hear the person saying, without interpreting, evaluating, or projecting feelings onto the person's statements.

3. Invite: When a person talks a bit about a topic then stops, ask for more. Often people will introduce an issue, then stop discussing it prematurely because they are uncertain of the interest level of their audience. We often edit ourselves as we speak because we're used to short attention spans in our listeners.

5. Unpack: Exhaust the speaker's resources before sharing anything yourself. Train yourself to think of their ideas as more valuable than your own. For them, they will be.

6. Clarify: Sometimes we are quick to think we understand someone, but we aren't really on the same page after all. Check your assumptions by asking, "Here's what I'm hearing you say so far... Is that accurate?" You'll be surprised how often a helpful correction is made.

A good coach doesn't have to say much to be effective. Never underestimate the power of real listening.

Robert E. Logan is the executive director of CoachNet International Ministries and provides training, consulting, coaching and resources to over 40 denominations. Sherilyn Carlton is an experienced life and leadership coach ("Destination Coaching"). Both authors are based in the USA.